A little lost in the maze

I have to admit that I have been feeling a little lost, I am having to face the fact that my current role of working with children seems further away, and realistically may not be something I can get back to. I cannot help but feel that it may be back to the drawing board for me and that’s tough.

Sometimes I feel like it’s okay, I will manifest this wonderful new idea and bring it to fruition with my usual energy and passion! Then there are times when I feel tired and beaten and I wonder what I’m going to do with this new me. I also feel that it’s almost impossible to go back to my role, as it reminds me too much of who I was, or rather what I could do and that’s upsetting. I hope that makes sense.

Applying for benefits

Yesterday for the very first time in my life I applied for ESA (Employment and Support Allowance) a benefit to help those who cannot go back to work due to illness, and who have had the full amount of SSP (Statutory Sick Pay). I have trouble getting my head around this as it has been eight months since my hospital admissions and I had hoped that everything (me) was going to be in ship shape by now. The forms took some time, but I finally got them done, so I can tick off a tick box, and I ate a of a bar of chocolate for my effort!

Positive thinking

The pain I experience daily gnaws away at me, but because of the type of person I am, I know that I need to focus on the positive and my inquiring mind is already in search of something I can do from home. I need to feel useful in some way. I hope that there is something wonderful in store. I have been reminded by a special someone that I need to have faith that there is. Also, my new hobby is beginning to come to life, so there is already something for me to focus on. I will write a post on this soon.

Overcoming Barriers (yay me!)

I have been reflective over this last week or so. I have overcome barriers like; finally coming to terms with the fact that I need more help physically. I made those first steps by renting a wheelchair and found that I do not have the strength in my arms to get myself around and its so much harder than I thought.

I naively thought that I could just jump in a wheelchair and be on my merry way. However, it wasn’t as easy as I thought and I got stuck on a road unable to get up the curb (which was flat) as cars passed by I imagined the people inside going – ‘deary me’ as they passed by me. I eventually made it out of the chair, but not before almost falling forward onto the pavement.

As I look back on this incident I remember thinking (after having got out of the wheelchair to get myself safely off the road) of a joke my husband made when he took me out in the wheelchair one day as I got out to sit down for a coffee: “it’s a miracle, she can walk!” I made myself laugh and it got me back home safely without further trauma. I find that laughter is my medicine and I promised myself that in this blog I would continue to find the humour in it all as it helps me to stay positive.

A Charity Shop Gem!

This week Matt and I went out, and although I still get that awful anxiety about going out in my home town, I actually didn’t feel as bad this time round. I had come to the conclusion that a self propelled wheelchair was definitely a challenge, but I am determined to keep going when suddenly a small miracle happened!

A charity shop was selling a motorised wheelchair and because I had already made that step to allow myself to have help in the form of a mobility aid, this actually didn’t feel too bad, and it didn’t take too much convincing! Matt makes it so much easier for me to make these type of decisions. So, we bought it and it is was delivered yesterday afternoon. My reasoning was, its an investment and when things are better i.e I get better, we can always sell it.

I feel okay about it and I will let you know how it goes, how have mobility aids helped you find freedom in life? How do you feel about them now in comparison to when you first thought about getting one?

Also, has an illness ever prevented you from working? Did you find something else that suited you better? i.e working from home, or something else you find fulfilling.

I hope everyone is okay sending lots of love

C x

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