From now on, I promise to be brave and try not worry about what people will think of me. I promise to do my best and write on my blog regularly, even if I am having a challenging day. If you are reading this then I actually had the courage to launch this site as everything before this was seen by just me. It is months and months worth of me typing away and feeling too scared to let everyone see it. The reason I wrote this blog remains the same, I would like for it to be a beacon of love, hope and positivity for others who like me have a chronic illness, or anyone else who happens to find it a long the way. So, if you are reading this post now then I did it! ‘Dear Body’ is live, Yay me!
Help along the way
I think that after becoming more active on platforms such as Twitter and Instagram, and witnessing some really unkind behavior, I felt dubious about disclosing such sensitive information about myself. However, yesterday I started reading Fearne Cottons book ‘Happy’ and as I turned those first few pages, I started to smile and I nodded my head in recognition… Fearne had chosen to write her story even though it meant reliving a certain part of her life, a particular time when she felt vulnerable. However, she still powered on through. From what I have read so far, I feel that like me she felt her story was meaningful and therefore wanted to share it in the hope that it would have a positive impact on others. From the comments I have read so far, it most certainly has. I don’t know her personally, but I do know that reading those first few pages gave me the courage to share my own journey and I am so grateful to her for that. Also, her podcast ‘Happy Place’ is amazing! and has also really helped me. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of her beautiful book over the coming days. With the official launch of my blog finally here, I felt it was time I share my poem.
Dear body, where have you gone?
I need to get going, power up, come on!
We can do this together,
I thought it would be you and I forever.
I’m now getting cross,
I need to go get, your not the boss!
I’m tired and weak, my legs are not working
I need another sleep
I’ve been far too bossy
I’ll take your loving hand
Okay we can rest
I’ll be still, slow it down
I don’t need to be the best
Wow, I never knew!
how nice it is to see the birds
in a sky so blue
let’s never be apart
I promise from now on
I’ll pay attention to our heart
This poem was a process, written over time. At the beginning of my illness I felt extremely frustrated, trying to deal with a body and mind that felt so separate was a real challenge for me. I touched upon this on the ‘about me’ page. I unintentionally wrote a poem that followed my journey. Its like stages the first for me was denial, then came anger, understanding, and finally acceptance and even though I have followed each of the stages, I still find that I jump between them sometimes, but find that I am mostly at acceptance (I think).
A creative mind
From a young age I put my feelings down on a page, it could be a poem, or just a diary entry. When I was singing in a band many years ago I wrote lyrics and like many artists my life experiences turned into stories that would work there way into a song, the tune would play out in my head and my band mates would then do their magic! When I had children, I wrote stories for them and my first book – Twizzle Brown and Lenny Sparkle was published in 2010. I then wrote others that were inspired by other children that I worked with over the years, and some of them illustrated a couple of stories that I went on to read to groups of children in schools, and at a literary festival. I remember inviting all the children and their parents, it was such a joy to see the children’s faces when I turned a page and they could see how wonderful the pages of the book looked with their beautiful drawings displayed inside. It was incredibly heartwarming.
I discovered that today is world mental health day. Having fallen down a fair few rabbit holes myself, I know that feeling. I couldn’t have made it back to the surface without the love and support of family and friends. If your reading this and your struggling, please know that there is so much more support that can be accessed. But in the meantime, a friendly face and a chat over coffee and cake may help (cake is totally medicinal for me). I am always having to check in on myself and am regularly searching for activities, books and podcasts to help. There are a few useful resources that I have shared throughout my blog, whether it be tea, music, books, or podcasts. I hope there is something for you.
Stay safe, keep well.
I hope you enjoy my blog, sending so much love