I wish you all a happy day and may it be filled with love and positivity. Before I talk about today, I just want to tell you briefly about my afternoon yesterday. After baking bread = win
Out and about
My husband and I decided to go out for a little while, now this always has its challenges for so many reasons. Since having issues with mobility, which is really something we all take for granted, me included. I know that going out means using a walking stick and my husband trailing behind me with a wheelchair (because even with the best will in the world and me saying we do not need it, I currently do) which I find really challenging. 1, because I do not want to bump into anyone, especially someone I know, to then feel like I have to explain why I am using mobility aids. I have read so many threads regarding this from others, some who deem it rude of people to ask, or enquire with there eyes, you know when they look at your face and then your mobility aid, then squint their eyes and finish back at your face? However, at least that gives you more time to think about what you are going to say. Unlike the people who just outright ask you. So, these days I tend to try and push through the anxiety of going out and have come up with a rehearsed sentence, one that gives them just enough information without actually telling them anything more than they already know i.e they can see you have a walking stick and wheelchair. Are you ready? It goes like this: My nan passed away many years ago and was reincarnated as a walking stick, I like to take her out, you know its good to get her out of the house for a stroll.
That’s obviously not what I say, but it certainly would baffle them, and they would probably give you a wide berth next time (job done). I actually say: I’m having a few mobility issues at the moment. That’s it! and then, I cleverly change the subject, usually something like – wow, you look fab, how are things? Or its such a lovely day, you off somewhere nice (great diversions) and that’s it. Well, it’s working so far. Also, I think if its someone you know really well and they have not seen you in sometime then I think it’s okay for them to ask as it could be quite shocking for them to see you this way and they care.
I genuinely find going out anxiety provoking and anyone that knows me knows that its not like me to feel this way. Getting out has always been my idea of escapism, that and the fact that sitting still has never been easy for me. I feel embarrassed to be seen with a walking aid, that’s so awful to admit and if my friend said this to me, I would reassure them that its just for now and that’s what my family and friends say to me, but is it? Every time I try to push myself or get on with something simple, I hurt. The longer I am on my feet the worse it gets and I am forced to stop. I remain upbeat most of the time, but sometimes it is hard to smile, or laugh through it. I know that many of you will understand this and if your sitting at home nodding your head, a virtual hug from me to you.
Well, that was hardly brief! Sorry, but it’s good to say it as it is, everything cannot always be rainbows and money pots.
Let’s get back to today. Let’s lighten the mood and have a little groove
Garden of joy
Its another sunny day and I am looking forward to seeing my lovely mother-in-law. We are going to the garden centre for a coffee and to look at the beautiful plants. This place other than home has become a bit of a safe haven for me, I can get around easily and everything is accessible including the coffee hut. We sat there chatting in the sunshine and enjoyed the scenery. A tiny robin hopped over in our direction and it made me think of Garry my husband’s dad, who passed on not so long ago. It made me smile, such a comforting thought to think of him while we sat there together having a meaningful chat, I wonder what his take would have been.
Work and Illness
At home I am greeted by a very excited Evie and I find myself reflecting on a beautiful morning. However, there is something weighing heavily on me at the moment that I need to share. I am currently on leave from work, and I desperately want to get back to my job as a teaching assistant in a primary school, but I have no idea how I am going to navigate this when mobility is still my biggest hurdle. Is it acceptable for me to go back with a walking stick? Can I manage to do my job properly? How long could I manage for? A morning? An hour? A whole day? I find it extremely stressful! My workplace has been amazing! They are so understanding, and I want to give them what they deserve, a fully functioning member of staff, ready and willing to go to extreme lengths to support the school and the children, but I worry that I will disappoint them and that is too much to bear thinking about. I should call them and organise a meeting to see how I can manage this transition.
I am sure that many of you can relate to this, I have read posts from people that have had to give up work due to chronic illness. I recognised that they also found it upsetting to not be able to do all of the things they used to. On reflection my conclusion is this: that maybe I will be a different me, accepting that is hard and that maybe its okay to mourn a little bit. It comes back to how I felt yesterday when I looked around and found myself feeling envious of women around my age physically doing things I was able to do up until a few months ago. It is frustrating, but I continue to keep as positive as I can. I find comfort in reading stories of others who have ventured down a similar path. I have been so inspired and it has helped me to channel all of those thoughts and feelings into this blog.
I would be interested in hearing about your stories.
Oodles of love
C x
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